25 Days and Counting

On November 12th, I sat down and wrote a draft for a blog post about my last days as a pregnant person. With exactly one week to my due date, my intention was to finish the post a day or two later, post it, and then wait for my baby. On November 13th, my water broke, and November 14th, our little Grayson arrived. To sum up the post that never was, I loved being pregnant (less the heartburn, sleepless nights toward the end, lack of wardrobe options, and fatigue throughout the day), and I predicted I would miss pregnancy once my journey of growing a person was complete. Twenty-five days into being a mother, I can say that is true. I adore my little wee man and could just stare at him all day, but I do miss having him in my belly. I miss his movements and having a built-in heater. The kicking and squirming never got old, even near the end when it was pretty much non-stop (since he literally had NO ROOM, I felt every twitch).

The last picture of Grayson and I as one

From week 37 on, I was praying for labour. Let's meet our baby! I drank raspberry leaf tea to get things moving, and after every glass, I swear I felt Braxton Hicks. I walked a lot and ate spicy foods. The moment my water broke, I wished I could take it all back. I was not ready. After taking my dog outside, I quietly went back to my spot on the couch where Clinton and I were watching television (it was around 10:00pm). I was shaking uncontrollably, and told Clinton I was cold, and felt a little funny. I didn't mention my water had broken- maybe I was wrong or could reverse it if I just didn't address it. He got up to get something in the kitchen, and noticed my unfinished ice cream in he freezer. This is the moment when I realized he knows me so well, it is scary. Almost immediately, he came back to the living room- "What's wrong?" he asked me. "You didn't finish your ice cream." I told him I thought my water had broken- no big deal. Everything they taught us in prenatal about when to go to the hospital was gone- we were both blank. Did they say go as soon as your water breaks? Or wait for contractions? We called Telecare, and they told us to go in. Really- who calls Telecare for these instructions? People who clearly are not ready for what was about to happen. 

We spent about three and a half hours at the hospital before they determined that my water had in fact broken (woot!). During that time, I started having mild contractions- so mild, I wasn't even sure they were contractions. I said to Clinton "I am going to breeze through labour" and almost believed I might do it naturally (my plan the whole pregnancy was epidural). They sent us home, and told me to come back when contractions were more intense and frequent. We were back within three hours, at which point I was convinced I was dying, and immediately started asking when I could get an epidural. I would have done anything to numb the pain. I said to my mother (who was my #2 support person in the hospital) "There is no way you can describe this pain. I was not expecting this." However, the relief when a contraction passed was like a drug- a sweet, calming drug. Thank goodness they were fast.

We were fortunate to start the process in the early morning through the week. An amazing nurse was assigned to us almost immediately upon being admitted, and I had an epidural pretty quickly. They predicted we would have our baby in our arms by noon. "Small head" they told me. Small head, small baby, right?

Clinton and I did a lot of reading and attended prenatal classes in anticipation of our new arrival, but we really only paid attention to the information we felt applied to us. Our prediction was that we would have a relatively quick labour, and I would deliver a 6-7 pound baby like it was nothing. I measured a little small throughout my pregnancy, and my OB/GYN predicted a small baby, too. On a whim one day, I did buy large fleece pants with a drawstring waste, in case I needed a C-section (so they would not rub up against the incision). When I told Clinton this, he said "Don't even talk like that. You're not having a C-section." I laughed it off, and said "Duh! It was really just an excuse to buy giant, comfy pants for mat leave and turkey dinners." Well guess what folks? After 2.5  hours of pushing, a failed attempt at delivering the baby with a vacuum, and finally, a C-section, we met our little guy. A C-SECTION. The last thing we were expecting. And guess what? His head was not small. He was also 8lbs, 12oz. WTH? And his little bit of hair was blonde. Had Clinton not seen them deliver him, we may have accused them of giving us someone else's baby.

"Seriously guys- I'm your kid"

We spent six days in the hospital- another thing we were not anticipating. Thank God our friend and neighbour took such great care of our animals for us. One less thing to worry about! Grayson had some jaundice, and had to spend his days (aside from when we ate) in a Bilibed, which is basically a tanning bed for infants. This was a blessing and a curse- while I could not wait to get home, I appreciated the visitors and help we had at the hospital. It was a nice way to ease into motherhood.

Now we are home, and Grayson is growing like a weed. He was over his birthweight at his first doctor appointment when he was eight days old, and continues to expand and lengthen. He can no longer wear the sleeper we brought him home in 2.5 weeks ago, and I have already dug out larger clothes I did not think we would need for at least another month or two. How did I end up with such a giant baby? I honestly don't know where he was hiding in my tummy- I assume he was in pretzel position with his feet in his ears. 

Being a mom, like labour, is something I could never have been totally prepared for. "Just go with what works" is the best advice I have heard. As a first time parent, I can't help but second guess all my parenting decisions and methods. Am I feeding him too much? Am I ruining him by letting him sleep in my arms throughout the day? Should I go to him as soon as he cries, or let him learn to settle himself? Is it wrong we're giving him a soother sometimes (we were totally opposed to this pre-baby)? So many questions. I tried establishing a routine one day, based on the Baby Whisperer, but got frustrated pretty quickly. I don't know if I can stick with a schedule 100% of the time. I plan on visiting my parents and Clinton's mother and sister often, and started stressing about what that would do to Grayson if we did get into a strict routine. What if I need to run errands? I have decided that my baby is not even one month old, and right now, I am going to focus on getting to know him and doing what feels right. I love holding him and letting him sleep on me (we are slowly breaking this habit at night, but through the day I'll take the snuggles), and I know these days are numbered. Each day, I learn something new about him, or discover a new trick that makes things easier or more practical for us. I will never again judge a parent, as this is one tough job sometimes. I just hope the decisions I am making are right for my baby and our family- which is why I need to trust my gut and do what feels best. 

My one tip to anyone expecting or planning on having a baby soon- practice eating/showering really quickly, and doing things with one hand :) OR enjoy long showers and lingering over your meals while you can!

Big Thoughts, Small Fry

It's been 5+ months since I have posted something, and what a rollercoaster of a five months it has been. 2013 was supposed to be a year of promise and bright horizons. I can say we certainly hit some turbulence along the way from that post to today, and it has not been an easy ride. I'm not going to get into all the negatives we have encountered because I don't want this to be a negative post. But I mention this because sometimes life has a funny way of throwing things at you that make you want to say "Screw you, life! What is your problem?" And then, when you least expect it, life kind of apologizes for it by giving you something amazing. In our case, life said "Listen guys- I'm really sorry about all the crap I've chucked your way these last couple months. Here's a peace offering. Truce?" That peace offering came to us in the form of a little stick with a positive sign on it- life is giving us a baby. Somehow, life thinks that a Gormley/Charlton hybrid is acceptable, so we'll take it and see what we can do with it! I swore I would not be one of those people who constantly talks about being pregnant- but damn, it's really hard! It's sort of the BIGGEST THING HAPPENING TO ME, and it's difficult not to somehow relate most things to it. I am so grateful for friends and family who let me ramble on, and whether they are interested or ready to strangle me, they do a good job of listening. Or pretending to. I thought I would do this little post to sort of get it off my chest- and then you won't need to read my constant Facebook/Twitter updates. Because they won't be there. Deal?

Let me start by saying that watching a pregnancy test turn positive is the craziest feeling. Watching that line appear was a life changing moment- and a jumble of emotions hit me. My heart accelerated at top speed, and I just stared at it for the longest time, hands shaking. It took approximately seven seconds for the positive indicator to appear once I set the test on the counter...that's not long when the instructions say wait two minutes. It was a pretty sure thing. Thanks for not making me wait it out too long, Clear Blue. You're a champ! I barely had time to process what was happening when suddenly we were out to dinner with a group of friends- and I couldn't say anything. Hours before, I just received probably the biggest news of my life, and I could not tell anyone. Keeping the secret was torture. And if I thought that night was hard, I had no idea how difficult the weeks ahead were going to be.

How Am I Feeling?
Most popular question ever- and I appreciate people asking. It seems caring and nice. My first trimester, I was exhausted. Before I knew there was a bun in my oven, I thought I had mono. I was dragging myself to and from work, and trying my hardest to stay awake past 8:00 every night. I felt like I could go to bed as soon as I got home from work, and sleep until morning. I probably could have had I let myself. A few weeks passed before I hit trimester two, and I almost instantly felt better- it might have been the warmer weather, but the little spring in my step came back and I actually felt like I didn't need an afternoon nap anymore. It felt great! I'm happy to report that at four months, I have experienced zero sickness- no nausea, no vomiting, no aversions to any food or smell of any kind, no reaction to my prenatal vitamins. For a while, I thought my pregnancy was fake. Three more tests confirmed it was not. I begged my doctor to look for a heartbeat at nine weeks, because I really didn't feel pregnant. She said no, next appointment. Grueling- it felt so mean at the time.

Cravings?
The only thing I eat now that I did not eat before (for obvious reasons) is Kraft Dinner. I kid you not, I can't get enough of it. I don't eat it every day or anything, but when Clinton is not home for supper, I'm probably boiling a pot of KD. It's so shameful, but it's true.I don't feel like I HAVE to have it or anything, but I really enjoy it these days, and can polish off a full box no problem (no judgement). I am trying to eat better for Baby Charlton (lots of fruits, veggies, and calcium), but sometimes you just have to cave and eat the good stuff. In my case, processed pasta with powdered cheese that tastes like heaven.

Will We Find Out the Gender?
Yes! I am so excited to know what we're having. I feel girl, but I'm not sure if that's an instinctual thing, or because I see girl clothes everywhere that are just to die for. Poor boys really have a lack of options for attire, but we will be sure to make Baby C, should he be a boy, as stylish as we can.I can't wait to decorate the nursery (currently poor Clinton's music room) and choose colours. Gah! Only a few weeks (hopefully) until they can tell us.

Weird Things I Have Noticed (Small Thoughts- not what you think)
Okay, is it just me, or does pregnancy not really count until you find out? In all the literature I read, and according to my doctors, don't worry about all the no-nos you did before you knew. You had some wine? Big deal. Ate raw fish? Meh. Drank two pots of coffee a day? Don't sweat it. Oh, but now that you know, you absolutely cannot do those things, okay? Starting RIGHT NOW. However the last 6-8 weeks were a freebie. So strange.

I went from having no baby belly to having a full on beer belly in approximately three days. When I finally shared the news with the world, people said I didn't look pregnant at all. The following week, I looked about six months. And even more strangely, my stomach shrunk this week! I Googled in a panic, but was reassured I lost some bloating (and that is gross and why I swore I wouldn't be this person). I also used the Doppler my friend Meaghan lent me to listen to the heartbeat as extra reassurance. My pants are all too small, and every day I have my top button undone under my shirt. Time to invest in the maternity pants with the huge elastic band at the top. I bet Clinton can't wait for me to rock a pair of those.

Molly knew I was pregnant before we told her. She started acting out, peeing on the floor, crying all the time, walking across my stomach ("I'm the baby!"). But she seems cool now. She's back to spooning with me, and I think her and the baby will have a bond because Molly spends her evenings pressed against Baby C.

I suddenly want to believe old wives tales. Never into them before, but now because I am so eager to know what we are having, I want them to be true just so I can know. Fast heart rate is girl, slow is boy (Baby C's is right in the middle- go figure), sickness means boy, no sickness means girl (I have heard the reverse as well)...there are so many of these superstitions out there, and I find myself checking into them. Reading forums, hoping some super mom will guide me to the right answers. Last night I did the needle on a string test- hold it over your hand and if it moves in a circular motion it's a girl. If it moves back and forth, it's a boy. Mine didn't move. It's a shim. When I came to my senses and noticed Molly looking at me holding this still needle over my hand, I slapped myself in the face and said "Get a hold of yourself!"

I'm nervous that I am going to be a neurotic mother. I need to curb these thoughts and relax. I'm nervous about a million things, but mostly excited. The excitement is what I aim to focus on. When I think about meeting Baby C (Clinton/Colleen Junior- aka CJ), I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I think I will be a mess. I am preparing for this by buying Kleenex on sale and filling my hospital suitcase with it.

So there it is- my thoughts and experiences being a pre-mom so far. It's been good-and I am hoping life doesn't balance that with an excruciating labour. Please life- keep the goodness coming!

New Year, Old Tradition

Happy 2013! I know it's been a while since I have blogged, but one of my resolutions for this year is to write more. We'll see!

Each January 1st, I think of the things I would like to see in the twelve months to follow. Mostly, I just close my eyes and pray that our house doesn't burn down, all our family, friends, and pets stay healthy, and we sustain a certain  level of happiness. However, I do always add a few more things to that list each year (realistic hopes and goals), and something about a brand new year seems like a good place to start making changes.

Except...

The New Year doesn't really start for me until January 2nd. January 1st is like a day of limbo. You see, I have all these things I want to start doing, stop doing, do better, think about, etc. My intention, though, is never to start until January 2nd. This is because for the past 5-6 years (we can't really remember when we started this), Clinton and I have had a New Years Day tradition we call Limited Selection Movie Day (LSMD). It began in our very first apartment together, and I think we may have been expecting a storm. In preparation for this, Clinton went to the corner store up the road, and picked us up some movies and snacks. As you can imagine, the store really didn't have a huge movie selection, so he came home with two movies that we normally would never have rented. We spent New Years day holed up in our little home watching them, and much to our surprise, we really enjoyed both flicks. We decided that from then on, we would make every New Years "Limited Selection Movie Day." The fun part of it is that we can't have a huge variety of movies to choose from- that defeats the purpose. On this day, we must choose from a small assortment of movies, and try to keep an open mind in making our choices. On a regular movie night, if we couldn't find anything we really wanted to see, we'd say screw it and rent nothing. But on this, the day of limited selection movies, we have to choose something.

This year was different, though. This year we were faced with a challenge:

Since subscribing to Netflix, we have stopped renting movies. Clinton refuses to pay for a monthly subscription, and pay for rentals. I can't blame him (although Ashley and I may have cheated a couple times when he wasn't home and rented a new release that Netflix just didn't have- sue me!). So yesterday, we were faced with a problem we had never had- too many movie choices. Always being creative, Clinton suggested we just choose a random letter in the alphabet, and pick from movies that only start with that letter. We both picked a number between one and ten, and then put them together- they made 24. The 24th letter in the alphabet is "X". Typical that we would be stuck with "X", the most obscure letter. The letter that really has no friends, and is rarely used at the beginning of a word. "X" is to the alphabet what anchovies are to pizza- not really used, but always there. Not feeling that ambitious, Clinton just shouted out "R!" And so it was decided- the first movie we would watch would begin with R. We got our Chinese food, put on our pjs, and settled in to find our flick. I'm not sure what we were thinking, but the movie we ended up choosing was Requiem for a Dream. Let's just say that when it ended, we had to watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother to lighten the mood and erase the insanity of that movie from our fragile minds. I'm pretty sure I spent the last 3-4 minutes of it digging my nails into my own skin as I watched every character fall into an intense downward spiral. For movie number two (which came after a 3-hour nap following Requiem), we went with a lighter choice called Please Give (we both decided on the letter "P"). While I kept dozing off, and missed some pretty large chunks of the movie, it was enjoyable, cute, and funny, with a little bit of drama thrown in. Just what we needed.

January 1st- the day of limbo- is easily one of my favourite days of the year. It eases my post-Christmas blues (I despise parting with the Christmas season), and gives Clinton and I an excuse to snuggle up on the couch, eat food that is bad for us, and be completely lazy. I think this tradition is one of the most important in our relationship. If we were to plan a date night at home, and something came up, we would easily say "Okay, no big deal. We'll do it another night." But Clinton and I both know that aside from a major emergency, we're not letting anything interfere with LSMD. Having been together for almost eight years, it's a perfect way for us, as a couple, to start a new year- setting aside a day just for us, no plans or obligations, and no guilt about being completely unproductive. I love it, and hope it is something we continue every year for the rest of our lives.

I highly suggest starting your own New Years day tradition if you don't have one already. If you're like me, and feel like crying when you see all your Christmas stuff being hauled to the basement, this is a great way to cope!

Happy New Year, friends- I hope 2013 treats you well!