25 Days and Counting

On November 12th, I sat down and wrote a draft for a blog post about my last days as a pregnant person. With exactly one week to my due date, my intention was to finish the post a day or two later, post it, and then wait for my baby. On November 13th, my water broke, and November 14th, our little Grayson arrived. To sum up the post that never was, I loved being pregnant (less the heartburn, sleepless nights toward the end, lack of wardrobe options, and fatigue throughout the day), and I predicted I would miss pregnancy once my journey of growing a person was complete. Twenty-five days into being a mother, I can say that is true. I adore my little wee man and could just stare at him all day, but I do miss having him in my belly. I miss his movements and having a built-in heater. The kicking and squirming never got old, even near the end when it was pretty much non-stop (since he literally had NO ROOM, I felt every twitch).

The last picture of Grayson and I as one

From week 37 on, I was praying for labour. Let's meet our baby! I drank raspberry leaf tea to get things moving, and after every glass, I swear I felt Braxton Hicks. I walked a lot and ate spicy foods. The moment my water broke, I wished I could take it all back. I was not ready. After taking my dog outside, I quietly went back to my spot on the couch where Clinton and I were watching television (it was around 10:00pm). I was shaking uncontrollably, and told Clinton I was cold, and felt a little funny. I didn't mention my water had broken- maybe I was wrong or could reverse it if I just didn't address it. He got up to get something in the kitchen, and noticed my unfinished ice cream in he freezer. This is the moment when I realized he knows me so well, it is scary. Almost immediately, he came back to the living room- "What's wrong?" he asked me. "You didn't finish your ice cream." I told him I thought my water had broken- no big deal. Everything they taught us in prenatal about when to go to the hospital was gone- we were both blank. Did they say go as soon as your water breaks? Or wait for contractions? We called Telecare, and they told us to go in. Really- who calls Telecare for these instructions? People who clearly are not ready for what was about to happen. 

We spent about three and a half hours at the hospital before they determined that my water had in fact broken (woot!). During that time, I started having mild contractions- so mild, I wasn't even sure they were contractions. I said to Clinton "I am going to breeze through labour" and almost believed I might do it naturally (my plan the whole pregnancy was epidural). They sent us home, and told me to come back when contractions were more intense and frequent. We were back within three hours, at which point I was convinced I was dying, and immediately started asking when I could get an epidural. I would have done anything to numb the pain. I said to my mother (who was my #2 support person in the hospital) "There is no way you can describe this pain. I was not expecting this." However, the relief when a contraction passed was like a drug- a sweet, calming drug. Thank goodness they were fast.

We were fortunate to start the process in the early morning through the week. An amazing nurse was assigned to us almost immediately upon being admitted, and I had an epidural pretty quickly. They predicted we would have our baby in our arms by noon. "Small head" they told me. Small head, small baby, right?

Clinton and I did a lot of reading and attended prenatal classes in anticipation of our new arrival, but we really only paid attention to the information we felt applied to us. Our prediction was that we would have a relatively quick labour, and I would deliver a 6-7 pound baby like it was nothing. I measured a little small throughout my pregnancy, and my OB/GYN predicted a small baby, too. On a whim one day, I did buy large fleece pants with a drawstring waste, in case I needed a C-section (so they would not rub up against the incision). When I told Clinton this, he said "Don't even talk like that. You're not having a C-section." I laughed it off, and said "Duh! It was really just an excuse to buy giant, comfy pants for mat leave and turkey dinners." Well guess what folks? After 2.5  hours of pushing, a failed attempt at delivering the baby with a vacuum, and finally, a C-section, we met our little guy. A C-SECTION. The last thing we were expecting. And guess what? His head was not small. He was also 8lbs, 12oz. WTH? And his little bit of hair was blonde. Had Clinton not seen them deliver him, we may have accused them of giving us someone else's baby.

"Seriously guys- I'm your kid"

We spent six days in the hospital- another thing we were not anticipating. Thank God our friend and neighbour took such great care of our animals for us. One less thing to worry about! Grayson had some jaundice, and had to spend his days (aside from when we ate) in a Bilibed, which is basically a tanning bed for infants. This was a blessing and a curse- while I could not wait to get home, I appreciated the visitors and help we had at the hospital. It was a nice way to ease into motherhood.

Now we are home, and Grayson is growing like a weed. He was over his birthweight at his first doctor appointment when he was eight days old, and continues to expand and lengthen. He can no longer wear the sleeper we brought him home in 2.5 weeks ago, and I have already dug out larger clothes I did not think we would need for at least another month or two. How did I end up with such a giant baby? I honestly don't know where he was hiding in my tummy- I assume he was in pretzel position with his feet in his ears. 

Being a mom, like labour, is something I could never have been totally prepared for. "Just go with what works" is the best advice I have heard. As a first time parent, I can't help but second guess all my parenting decisions and methods. Am I feeding him too much? Am I ruining him by letting him sleep in my arms throughout the day? Should I go to him as soon as he cries, or let him learn to settle himself? Is it wrong we're giving him a soother sometimes (we were totally opposed to this pre-baby)? So many questions. I tried establishing a routine one day, based on the Baby Whisperer, but got frustrated pretty quickly. I don't know if I can stick with a schedule 100% of the time. I plan on visiting my parents and Clinton's mother and sister often, and started stressing about what that would do to Grayson if we did get into a strict routine. What if I need to run errands? I have decided that my baby is not even one month old, and right now, I am going to focus on getting to know him and doing what feels right. I love holding him and letting him sleep on me (we are slowly breaking this habit at night, but through the day I'll take the snuggles), and I know these days are numbered. Each day, I learn something new about him, or discover a new trick that makes things easier or more practical for us. I will never again judge a parent, as this is one tough job sometimes. I just hope the decisions I am making are right for my baby and our family- which is why I need to trust my gut and do what feels best. 

My one tip to anyone expecting or planning on having a baby soon- practice eating/showering really quickly, and doing things with one hand :) OR enjoy long showers and lingering over your meals while you can!