It's been 5+ months since I have posted something, and what a rollercoaster of a five months it has been. 2013 was supposed to be a year of promise and bright horizons. I can say we certainly hit some turbulence along the way from that post to today, and it has not been an easy ride. I'm not going to get into all the negatives we have encountered because I don't want this to be a negative post. But I mention this because sometimes life has a funny way of throwing things at you that make you want to say "Screw you, life! What is your problem?" And then, when you least expect it, life kind of apologizes for it by giving you something amazing. In our case, life said "Listen guys- I'm really sorry about all the crap I've chucked your way these last couple months. Here's a peace offering. Truce?" That peace offering came to us in the form of a little stick with a positive sign on it- life is giving us a baby. Somehow, life thinks that a Gormley/Charlton hybrid is acceptable, so we'll take it and see what we can do with it! I swore I would not be one of those people who constantly talks about being pregnant- but damn, it's really hard! It's sort of the BIGGEST THING HAPPENING TO ME, and it's difficult not to somehow relate most things to it. I am so grateful for friends and family who let me ramble on, and whether they are interested or ready to strangle me, they do a good job of listening. Or pretending to. I thought I would do this little post to sort of get it off my chest- and then you won't need to read my constant Facebook/Twitter updates. Because they won't be there. Deal?
Let me start by saying that watching a pregnancy test turn positive is the craziest feeling. Watching that line appear was a life changing moment- and a jumble of emotions hit me. My heart accelerated at top speed, and I just stared at it for the longest time, hands shaking. It took approximately seven seconds for the positive indicator to appear once I set the test on the counter...that's not long when the instructions say wait two minutes. It was a pretty sure thing. Thanks for not making me wait it out too long, Clear Blue. You're a champ! I barely had time to process what was happening when suddenly we were out to dinner with a group of friends- and I couldn't say anything. Hours before, I just received probably the biggest news of my life, and I could not tell anyone. Keeping the secret was torture. And if I thought that night was hard, I had no idea how difficult the weeks ahead were going to be.
How Am I Feeling?
Most popular question ever- and I appreciate people asking. It seems caring and nice. My first trimester, I was exhausted. Before I knew there was a bun in my oven, I thought I had mono. I was dragging myself to and from work, and trying my hardest to stay awake past 8:00 every night. I felt like I could go to bed as soon as I got home from work, and sleep until morning. I probably could have had I let myself. A few weeks passed before I hit trimester two, and I almost instantly felt better- it might have been the warmer weather, but the little spring in my step came back and I actually felt like I didn't need an afternoon nap anymore. It felt great! I'm happy to report that at four months, I have experienced zero sickness- no nausea, no vomiting, no aversions to any food or smell of any kind, no reaction to my prenatal vitamins. For a while, I thought my pregnancy was fake. Three more tests confirmed it was not. I begged my doctor to look for a heartbeat at nine weeks, because I really didn't feel pregnant. She said no, next appointment. Grueling- it felt so mean at the time.
Cravings?
The only thing I eat now that I did not eat before (for obvious reasons) is Kraft Dinner. I kid you not, I can't get enough of it. I don't eat it every day or anything, but when Clinton is not home for supper, I'm probably boiling a pot of KD. It's so shameful, but it's true.I don't feel like I HAVE to have it or anything, but I really enjoy it these days, and can polish off a full box no problem (no judgement). I am trying to eat better for Baby Charlton (lots of fruits, veggies, and calcium), but sometimes you just have to cave and eat the good stuff. In my case, processed pasta with powdered cheese that tastes like heaven.
Will We Find Out the Gender?
Yes! I am so excited to know what we're having. I feel girl, but I'm not sure if that's an instinctual thing, or because I see girl clothes everywhere that are just to die for. Poor boys really have a lack of options for attire, but we will be sure to make Baby C, should he be a boy, as stylish as we can.I can't wait to decorate the nursery (currently poor Clinton's music room) and choose colours. Gah! Only a few weeks (hopefully) until they can tell us.
Weird Things I Have Noticed (Small Thoughts- not what you think)
Okay, is it just me, or does pregnancy not really count until you find out? In all the literature I read, and according to my doctors, don't worry about all the no-nos you did before you knew. You had some wine? Big deal. Ate raw fish? Meh. Drank two pots of coffee a day? Don't sweat it. Oh, but now that you know, you absolutely cannot do those things, okay? Starting RIGHT NOW. However the last 6-8 weeks were a freebie. So strange.
I went from having no baby belly to having a full on beer belly in approximately three days. When I finally shared the news with the world, people said I didn't look pregnant at all. The following week, I looked about six months. And even more strangely, my stomach shrunk this week! I Googled in a panic, but was reassured I lost some bloating (and that is gross and why I swore I wouldn't be this person). I also used the Doppler my friend Meaghan lent me to listen to the heartbeat as extra reassurance. My pants are all too small, and every day I have my top button undone under my shirt. Time to invest in the maternity pants with the huge elastic band at the top. I bet Clinton can't wait for me to rock a pair of those.
Molly knew I was pregnant before we told her. She started acting out, peeing on the floor, crying all the time, walking across my stomach ("I'm the baby!"). But she seems cool now. She's back to spooning with me, and I think her and the baby will have a bond because Molly spends her evenings pressed against Baby C.
I suddenly want to believe old wives tales. Never into them before, but now because I am so eager to know what we are having, I want them to be true just so I can know. Fast heart rate is girl, slow is boy (Baby C's is right in the middle- go figure), sickness means boy, no sickness means girl (I have heard the reverse as well)...there are so many of these superstitions out there, and I find myself checking into them. Reading forums, hoping some super mom will guide me to the right answers. Last night I did the needle on a string test- hold it over your hand and if it moves in a circular motion it's a girl. If it moves back and forth, it's a boy. Mine didn't move. It's a shim. When I came to my senses and noticed Molly looking at me holding this still needle over my hand, I slapped myself in the face and said "Get a hold of yourself!"
I'm nervous that I am going to be a neurotic mother. I need to curb these thoughts and relax. I'm nervous about a million things, but mostly excited. The excitement is what I aim to focus on. When I think about meeting Baby C (Clinton/Colleen Junior- aka CJ), I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I think I will be a mess. I am preparing for this by buying Kleenex on sale and filling my hospital suitcase with it.
So there it is- my thoughts and experiences being a pre-mom so far. It's been good-and I am hoping life doesn't balance that with an excruciating labour. Please life- keep the goodness coming!
